


The GreAt Potato

by LegLady



Category: A Potato In A Fridge, Literally just found some old crap I wrote 5 years ago, Original Work, So sorry for the cringe - Fandom
Genre: Cringe, Gen, Maybe comedy?, Old Work, help Australian midgets are holding me at didgeridoo point and making me write tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:27:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29299647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegLady/pseuds/LegLady
Summary: I found an old kinda cringed story I wrote several years ago, when I was a kid. I am putting it here so now everyone has to deal with the cringe. I just remember coming up with the idea one day in the shower it made me laugh my behind off.  I am absolutely NOT sorry. My sense of “humour “ hasn’t changed, I’ve just gotten larger and more immature.So anyways, this potato lives in some lady’s kitchen, I guess there’s an adventure or something, happy ending, etc. etc.
Relationships: None





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> read da summary also I will be putting in any misspelling or grammar mistakes I make so we can all have more to laugh at.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah it’s the intro   
> (Feat. Abby from maths class)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the cringe fest begins!

Hello, I’m Potatoe, Queen of Kitchen-Land......ia (the ai sounds more exciting, more adventurous, more stuff like). I ama potato......and.......delicious...........and please do not consider the fact that I stated before I stated this statement that I have stated.....and stuff. Whatever. My kingdomlandia is in the kitchen of a person with a very long name.....Jo. Her real name is Jo-Ann-e and she is a very nice lady who volunteers at a local primary school with the world’s longest name ever: W.E. Primary School. What a long name! There’s a class that teaches people to be nice and have manners.....which Jo is like......unless you are a potato and it’s the day before her summer barbecue party. Then..you may want to run. Unless she’s on a mission. You see, Jo is a spy and I can’t tell you her spy name. But that’s not important, Jo, or Agent 36 is in break right now. And she hopefully won’t barbecue any veggies...........z.......z.zz.zz.z.z............I like tortillas.....I...like....tortillas....

i am so sorry to interrupt stuff but the Queen has fallen asleep, and so that’s why there’s a huge scribble, as shown above.   
-the royal gourd.


	2. It’s Midnight!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Queen’s strange and also kind of relatable sleeping schedule wakes her up with a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that the reason that all this is in first person is because I wanted to make a dork diaries rip-off. 
> 
> also middle/high school is nothing like dork diaries said that it’d be like.  
> the only time I ever get to see my boyfriend is when I forget to take my schizo meds.  
> (some dating advice: guys are like public bathroom stalls: all the good ones are taken and the available ones are full of crap. also be careful cause you could potentially get an std or something idk I’m not a doctor) anyway no more rambling. 
> 
> I am so sorry if you are reading this mess.

It’s midnight, I think, and I still can’t sleep, Not even in my cozy fridge with all of my royal subjects (weird)......the fridge! So I am writing this thingy, that is a .....thingamabob, somewhere between a book, a diary, a journal, and anchovy and ham. 

_its a first person narrative - royal gourd_

Oh, yeah! It’s a first potato narrative because it’s told by.....guess what it is.... a POTATO !!! :)

wait a minute.......WHY IS THE ROYAL GOURD AWAKE? oh wait no hes sleeping. Man he’s lucky not to have narcolepsy-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


	3. Another day of Ruling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a boring day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my foot calluses are more interesting than whatever this is. This chapter is very.....meh   
> Isn’t it sus how she never says how she rules???? could be off violating the Geneva Convention and we’d never know.   
> (Would the UN throw out a war crimes case if it was discovered the perpetrator was a starchy root vegetable?)

Today is meh. And when I say meh, I mean meh, because if I meh, that means whatever’s meh. Which means meh, meh, meh,

I started in the morning...nom, breakfast, which was a McDonald’s whopper. It was delicious and also completely not real, perfect for my not real mouth. Woopee.

So ruling is kinda eh. I slacked off a lot. Luckily no one ever catches me. Anyways, because these times are boring I went on social media. #bored #hashtag #stophastagging #iwilldowhateveriwant #lol  
Ok, so now that’s done I guess I will tell a story, since these people are terrible slackeringers catcherers. One upon a time, I will tell you a story. And that time is now. I don’t know why I used, “once upon a time”, I guess that’s cause it sounded soooo story istic. Ok, so once upon a time, there was a potato that told a story. It went, “ once upon a time, there was a potato that told a story. It went, “ once upon a time, there was a potato that told a-

“YOUR MAJESTY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Aww crap, I’ve been caught! I don’t understand the concept of ruling....why do people look up to you so much!? I’m not Batman, I can’t show up at your door and be like, IM BATMAN YOU HAVE THREE WISHES ABRACADABRA! OH WHATS THAT??! YOU WANT A UNICORN? WELL TOO BAD, IM NOT MAGICAL! WELL THATS ONE WISH! WHATS YOUR SEICND WISH? AN IPAD?!

*hands over pad with an I drawn on it*

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YPU DONT WANT IT?! ITS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WISH FOR! NOW THATS THREE WISHES GUESS IM ON MY WAY! 

well now it’s time for lunch. Pizza Hut Guacamole! Delicious and also non existant once again! Please excuse me so I can use the next paragraph to whine about it.   
  


* W H I N E S * 

OH NO IM TOO WHINEY! IM GOING TO WHINE ABOUT THAT TOO!

*WHINES AND THEN FALLS ASLEEP* 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote out lines like boohoo.....with dead meme references inserted in. I’ve saved you some cringe by replacing it with *WHINES*, but if you want the original please let me know.


	4. PEMDAS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our most sanctified and majestic queen misinterprets the primary school math lesson of PEMDAS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This page has barbecue sauce stains all over it, but since it’s written in silver pen, it’s hard to read, so to give y’all the whole experience, I’ve added stock images of bbq sauce stains all over the chapter. Hope you enjoy.

Oh man, I’ve wasted so many paragraphs on whining! Boohoo, I can’t waste this whole paragraph on whining too! Or maybe I can, maybe all the whining will cancel each other out! Then it will be good because they teach us PEMDAS in school for a reason!  
Booooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Why’d I waste 

so many paragraphs? AAAAAA-ok, that’s over. Hey, the PEMDAS thing really did work! 

Oh no, My poo poo Aunt Sally is coming over! How do I know? Cause Jo just came back with a bag of grocereys. And I recognize that voice!   
“HEEEEEYYYYYYY POTATOOOEEEEEEEE!!! ! !, !”

Screechy, fat sounding, aWKWARD, wierd, funky....ish! DUMB AUNT SALLY! according to my algorithm, Sally will be asleep on the day we escape....so..yeah. Well, whatever! Till then I’ll have to tell everyone to please excuse my dumb aunt Sally!   



	5. Uh oh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when the boss talks, just imagine the adults from Charlie Brown talking. Or Simlish. Or a very drunk uncle raving about politics. Very impressive hearing for a potato that has no ears and also lives inside a metal fridge. Jo is called into work. ttooooo spyyy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, barbecue sauce stains. They’re still there  
> This story makes absolutely no sense, just like everything else I do. What does a potato know about human rights anyways?!
> 
> image cred: dreamstime

We know where this is all heading, well, we heard the phone call. We heard it in the. “It” being Joanne’s boss telling other people to *wubba wubba wubba*? !   
  
Based on her past phone calls, we knew her boss was abusive

to human rights, but Joanne couldn’t leave him since he was her childhood friend. 

Jo has to go on a mission tomorrow. Uh no, Uh YES! WE CAN ESCAPE TOMORROW! Now I just need a quick sleep!


	6. Jo is serious. Seriously LEAVVINNNNNGGGG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone is leaving.   
> hooray?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why but I think this chapter really rocks.

Ok, it’s 5AM, but Jo has already left at 12 AM. That was shen I was still asleep like a log. Well, not a log, a rock, but don’t rocks sink?

_not pumice. That floats - royal gourd_

oh well, I was asleep like a piece of poo-miss. It doesn’t matter. We need supplies and stuff, ASAP. Like, Also, Stop Asking Potatoes. Or whatever ASAP means. I don’t care what ASAP means. Here’s the checklist:

🔲food

🔲water

🔲cheesy poofes

🔲stuff

🔲bum bags

🔲belly satchels

🔲back packs 

🔲leg pouches

🔲more stuff.   
well, the list was kinda short, so I added, well stuff. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ba dum tssss!
> 
> (I understand if you’re cringing do hard you’ve become a raisin with legs. I am here to kindly assure you.....it will get much worse).


	7. We go bye bye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOW our gang leaves. without dumb aunt Sally, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t even know what this story is anymore. I doubt I even knew where it was supposed to go when I wrote it.
> 
> Also image a dog version of my 600 lb life. That’s what SmellyHead probably looked like.

I had to be prepared so I took everything on that list plus tissues, paper towels, 2 paper parasols, string, plastic wrap, wax paper, tape, and rubber bands. Why? I don’t know. Circumstances. 

We wanted to head out at 6, but right now, it’s 6:01 and we still can’t get the window open! The royal gourd found the latch....AND ITS OPEN. We held onto the parasol for dear life as we jumped out....WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

We are out and we locked the window behind us (how? We don’t have hands!) ooh la la! Wait, oh no! We found a hole that led us out, but straight to our neighbour’s huge dog, Smelly Head. He looked like the Michelin tire man but a dog and very hairy and when he ran, you could probably hear accordion sounds playing from his fat rolls.   
WOOF! Oh no were being chase. RUFF! Oh no, we ran into a fence. ARF! Oh no, there goes an unreasonable onomatopoeia that sounds more like a nice little puppy than a four legged hairy Jabba the Hut chasing you. 

BUT WE ESCAPED!!!!!

We walked throughout the neighbourhood for what was either a couple of minutes or a couple of years, not knowing where to go. Wait, I know where to go! The old place where I remember something! It was too blurry. But what wasn’t blurry was what the building looked like. It was white, with a place asphalt roof. Meh. Wait.....why’d I put that meh there?! Meh. Let’s get on with the description. It smelt and feeled like a sugar rush, a dopamine rush. A rush down nostalgia road. A rush of memories. A rush of energy from my past. A rush of happiness and reminesence. 

Achk! How were we going to get in though? I know....the window!


	8. The conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this...I don’t know what’s worse, the writing, the characters, or the situation. 
> 
> Warning: cringe and also probably money laundering, and also very evil businesspeople with really stupid names!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. Also I have no clue how far the veggies have traveled or how they got here. Also I’m pretty sure money laundering is a violation of human rights because everyone deserves to be able to use unwashed money since it has more value because it keeps its money smell. I know because I know how to do a buissinesss. Also why is this potato stalking the person whose house she lives in?

We held on to the ceiling light above three people. One of them was Jo’s boss, Mr. Stinks. They were talking about buisiness. Since we had a tape recorder, we recorded the whole conversation, as follows:  
“Tomorrow’s the day!” said Boo Tey, CEO of Pee Pee Inc.  
“We’ll steal the money! “ said Stinks.  
“We’ll be filthy rich!” Yelled out Ms. Poot, a secretary or something.  
“Shh!” Said Stinks and Tey, the CEO of Pee Pee Inc. at the same time.  
“What happened to your business?”  
“We got new management. We’ll make all the new money look legit, trust me!”  
“Good, everything is going to plan. Tomorrow, we hack into the World Bank. And we’ll take all of the money out of everyone’s accounts.”  
“Yes, muahahaha”!  
“We can also import stuff, my sister runs a place!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once I finish my degree in buisssiness, I will replace Tey as the CEO of Pee Pee Inc.


	9. Oh no 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAwhat am I even doing with the fourth wall at this pointAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why are you still reading this? It’s a mess.

We have proof, all recorded. 

“AYYYYY THERE!”

We turned around. My old friend, Carrie the Carrot! We were part of a group of vegetables injected with a potion called personification. It made us awake, human like.   
“I have bad news, Potatoe. If they steal the money they’ll turn this place into one of their facilities!”  
Oh no.   
They’re going to ruin our birthplace! OH NO! We need to get to to the government and stuff so that stuff and things happen-  
AAAAAAAAA  
IVE FALLEN!

“we’ve been spied on!”  
“DONT LET THEM GO ANYWHERE!”  
OH NO...


	10. Th-the-the CHASE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well the title is self explanatory, isn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how this even works. use ur imagination, I guess.

AHH! I’m being chased! Yes, I , Queen Potatoe of Kitchenlandia am being chased by a big fat monster with a big fat scary...uh...smelly-like AK47. Ack! This is no time for fancy-poop talk. Oh no, I’ve been grabbed by a bodyguard. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was a wall....YOU PEOPLE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!


	11. The Sweet and Starchy Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> escapee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the longest and most tedious chapter!

We woke up in some dark place. It actually felt good. There was goo, I swam in it, like we were NOT saving the plant where I grew up in. Lalala,

_why you not help?! - royal gourd_

Oh right- I slammed into a wall- no I ran to see if there was a portal. Nope. But I learned about it in my book “Alien Fantasy and Fake Things 3”. And there was a mention of it in “Johnny’s Completely Imaginary and Nonexistent Adventures.” So why wasn’t it ALL REAL?! if they were in books-?

im just going to slack off like crazy, I cannot face the truth now.

ACK! its been 3 hours, it’s 1 in the morning, I forgot to count down to midnight! -59, -58, -57....oh what’s the use?! I need to just help my friends escape. I found a cool hole in the wall that looks like a potato!

_Stop. Getting. Distracted!_

Geez. Sorry. Hey, I found a crowbar! The hole was in a vault, and I pried it open further with the crowbar. That revealed *wamp wamp wamp....* another room. I was so disappointed. We get into the other room, and the Royal Gourd found writing on the wall.   
_seems like it was chipped away on purpose_

oh man, it was chipped away on purpose.

but what remained did tell us there was another passage somewhere. I just needed to find some blocks to fit into the holes nearby. I did manage to find a small hunting knife, which I used to chip away at some wires. Behind that mess I found one block!   
  


AWWW YEEAH! TIME FOR A VICTORY DANCE! I’M-

_you know we’re not even done yet?_

Nooo! Noooo! No! Of defeat! 

_You know it’s also not over yet, right?_

Oh yeah. After some searching, we found a rock with an arrow on it. That arrow pointed to an extinguished pile of ashes. Underneath was a yellowed, chunk of something that smelled like corn doo-doo. On closer inspection, it was some type of glowing crystal. I jammed it into one of the holes on the wall. To my disappointment, the wall opened up to reveal a computer. On it was a green and black terminal window. I guess I had to hack it or something like in the movies.

i had no clue how to do that so we just rolled back and forth on the keyboard. eventually, something we did worked. The system froze and another door opened. An empty looking barrel with a faint golden glow fell over, as a sewer opened and sucked up all of the goo. That glow was from a key. It unlocked a trapdoor that was hidden under the goo. 


End file.
